You'll always be in my heart.

There are no good-byes, where ever we are, you’ll always be in my heart.

My heart is hurting, pretty bad tonight. And something my mother told me is standing out in my mind. She said that I needed to write down my feelings and thoughts about the experience I am going through. The reason she said, was so that someday when I have a daughter she might go through a similar experience and perhaps I could help her or someone with these experiences. I knew she was right. I know I am not the only one that has heartache in the world. But the walls and layers hiding those feelings would have to pulled back. And I was afraid perhaps I would not be able to take the weight of it all. But as I thought about it tonight, I realized perhaps I could lessen the burden of another by letting them know they are not alone. I've felt that hole of missing someone you love. And although the situations are different we can lean on one another for support. So this is for all and anyone who might have ever experienced heart ache and longing for someone you miss. And perhaps for those who need to help someone going through a similar experience. Another fear I had was that my thoughts would leave nothing but weight and strain on others with negativity so I plan to be honest but do my best to express the positive in all circumstances. For I do believe trials to be blessings in disguise. I learned this truth years ago. Possibly to help with perspective in larger trials.

A little bit of background. I am 21, and to many still considered a newly wed. Only having been married for about a year and a half. My husband is a part of the National Guard- Army and is currently deployed. Details on his end will be sparse as a percaution. I miss him. So the title I've chosen for my blog is Hearthurst. A little word to describe what my heart and soul feel at the moment. They thirst for him. It literally hurts at times. And my heart and love for him has become larger and more appreciative then ever. I'm going to begin with the journal entry I wrote about the day he left on his deployment.

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Yesterday, Scott left on his deployment. It was a very emotional day. We woke up at about six am and Scott squeezed me as tight as he could and told me he loved me. We kissed and then we just cuddled together feeling the warmth of laying side by side. Then our alarm went off at about 6:30 am signaling that it was time to get ready. I moved like a snail dreading where we were headed. Once I got going I was ready pretty quickly as I had curled my hair the night before. Then we both went downstairs together holding hands. My mom had made Night Before French Toast and a egg & bacon casserole. It was nice to get something in my stomach but it didn't feel the hole inside of me.

 As we drove together in our red Toyota we watched as the freshly fallen snow swirled on the ground as if dry ice coated the roads. Making clouds of swirling white fog around us. We held hands & both did our best to be strong. Then we arrived. When we got there we wandered around for a while to figure out where to go. We ended up in a massive white room with large "garage type" doors covering one end. At the far side of the room were three large apache helicopters. Scott & I stood near them watching for family & guiding them on our cell phones to our location. It was so surreal. Like a bad dream but it was real and wasn't quite sinking in for me.

More and more families packed into the room. Finally my parents, brothers & sister arrived and we all stood talking. Then Scott's grandparents joined us. Then Scott had an accountability formation and we watched him line up with all the uniformed men. Scott had about a head above all the other guys. he looked like a regular GI Joe. Then Scott's parents and syblings arrived. And my great aunt found us by a miracle through the crowd not too long later. My grandma Finnegan who is serving an LDS mission also called to send her love.

 Someone at the opposite end of the room gave a speed, we couldnt hear it at all. And someone sang the national anthem. Which was suddenly more meaningful to me then it ever had been. The while time my heart felt heavy, my tears threatened to spill multiple times. But between every hand shake or hug from our family. Scott & I held onto eachother knowing and dreanding what was coming. Then they opened one of the tall doors and askedthe soldiers to get on their buses. Scott went around one more time giving everyone a hug. I saw the many families around crying and saying goodbye and only felt more heartache.

 Then Scott grabbed my hand and we walked towards his bus. I can't describe how difficult that was. When we got outside it was snowing. and a line of people stood holding flags across from the buses. Scott squeezed me tight and I did the same. We kissed many times, soft and with hard urgency. Till he finally had to pull away. I told him how much I loved him and he did the same. I was crying alot by then and so was Scott. He said he had to go and I  cried out. My mom came over to take back and Scott said, "Take care of her" with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen on his normal care free happy face. She promised she would and he walked away... I wailed with sorrow and asked my mom to take me home. The day was the longest day ever and I spent it unpacking my room with my mom. Trying to keep busy from crying. it still feels liek he is just working late and will come hold me later tonight and kiss me at any moment. I miss him terribly.